Thursday, September 15, 2011

Owner's Manual

Congratulations on the purchase of your horse. To get the most pleasure from your equine we suggest that you thoroughly read our manual of instructions. 

Part I


Horses come equipped with a number of 'buttons'.  Operating the buttons in the appropriate manner will result in different actions on the horse's part. Please refer to the diagram and read more about the buttons and their functions.

1. Position your hand in front of the muzzle to make the lips move and twitch. This can also be used to get the horse to open its mouth and bite. Please use caution to avoid injury.

2. Brush the forelock to cause the horse to lower its head. shut its eyes and perhaps even make noises of pleasure.

3. Scritch just under and slightly behind one ear to make the ears move in abnormal, awkward positions. You may even notice that the horse goes cross-eyed.

4. Push on the point of shoulder to cause the horse to move backward. Caution: This button may have varying degrees of sensitivity. 

5. Tap or push on the side of the shoulder to cause the horse to move laterally using the front legs. See cautionary note above.

6. Squeeze or kick with legs at this position, also called 'on the girth', to increase the speed of movement of the horse.

7. Tap or push on the hip to cause the horse to move laterally using the back legs. See cautionary note on  #4.

8. Lift one rear hoof or the other and the horse will break wind, (pass gas, poot, fart, cut the cheese) in your face, guaranteed!


  1. LOL! We may never own a horse, but this is great information, especially the last point:)

  2. I've been getting so tired of the pooting in the face that I started thinking the horses were doing it on purpose as a sign of disrespect, but it's probably just that when you brush them or lift their legs, you move things around in there.

  3. LOL, I have one horse whose response to #8 is in a more solid form.
    Every. Dang. Time.

  4. Number 8 all the way!! Every time I pick Shyloh's back feet to pick them, I get gassed! Glad to know that I am not the only one!

    This is hilarious!!

  5. Very cute! I like #1.
    Terry at Moondance

  6. Perhaps it is time to consider Charm School for "the boys"!


  7. Great Blog! Why not come along to and post your blog there too for other horsey lovers to follow.


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