Clean as a Whistle

Although Pippin did not particularly appreciate having his sheath cleaned by the vet, it was a whole lot easier than my trying to clean it at home! Even under sedation Pippin registered his disgruntlement with the procedure with a lot of tail swishing and a few half-hearted attempts to block the attack with his hoof.
I have very little trouble working with Doc in this area, and figured that with Pippin, trust would come. Apparently not!

For any of you that are not familiar with sheath cleaning, or need a refresher, I found the following instructions to be quite accurate and downright amusing:

THE CLEANING PROCESS...
WRITTEN BY: Patricia Harris   [1998]

1.) Check to make sure there are no prospective boyfriends, elderly neighbors, or Brownie troops with a line of sight to the proceedings. Though of course they're probably going to show up unexpectedly ANYWAY once you're in the middle of things. Prepare a good explanation.

2.) Trim your fingernails short. Assemble horse, hose, and your sense of humor (plus, ideally, Excalibur cleanser and perhaps thin rubber gloves). [Note from Dreaming: I use Excalibur at home, but the vet used Ivory Soap dish detergent....lots and lots of it! I have heard that Ivory has the proper pH and does not irritate sensitive skin.]

3.) Use hose (or damp sponge) to get the sheath and its inhabitant wet. Uh, that is, do this in a *civilized* fashion with due warning to the horse; he is apt to take offense if an icy-cold hose blasts unexpectedly into his personal regions ;-)

4.) Now introduce your horse to Mr Hand . What I find safest is to stand facing the horse's head, with my shoulder and hip snugly against the horse's thigh and hip so that if he makes any suspicious move such as raising his leg, I can feel it right away and am in any case pressed so close that all he can do is shove, not really kick. The horse should be held by an assistant or by your free hand, NOT tied fast to a post or to crossties. He may shift around a good bit if he's not happy with Mr Hand's antics, but don't be put off by that; as long as you are patient and gradual, and stick close to his side, he'll get over it. Remember that it would be most unladylike of you to simply make a direct grab for your horse's Part. Give the horse a clue about what's on the program. Rest your hand against his belly, and then slide it back til you are entering The Home of the Actual Private Part. When you reach this first region of your destination, lube him up good with Excalibur or whatever you're using. If the outer part of his sheath is really grungy you will feel little clods and nubblies of smegma peeling off as you grope around in there. Patiently and gently expedite their removal. [Note from Dreaming: I pour Excalibur onto my hand while wearing some sort of plastic glove. The vet put about 15 paper towel sheets into a bucket of water. He would take one at a time, wring out most of the water and add at least 2 Tbs of soap to it.]

5.) Thus far, you have probably only been in the outer part of the sheath. The Part Itself, you'll have noticed, is strangely absent. That's because it has retired shyly to its inner chambers. Roll up them thar sleeves and follow in after it ;-)

6.) As you and Mr Hand wend your way deeper into the sheath, you will encounter what feels like a small portal that opens up into a chamber beyond. Being attentive to your horse's reaction, invite yourself in . You are now in the inner sanctum of The Actual Private Part. It's hiding in there towards the back, trying to pretend it isn't there. Say hi and wave to it . No, really, work your finger back and forth around the sides of it. If the horse won't drop, this is your only shot at removing whatever dried smegma is clinging to the surface of the Part itself. So, gently explore around it, pulling out whatever crusty topsoil you find there. Use more water and more Excalibur if necessary to loosen attached gunk.

7.) When Mr Hand and the Actual Private Part have gotten to know each other pretty well, and the Part feels squeaky clean all around, there remains only one task: checking for, and removing, the bean. The bean is a pale, kidney-shaped accumulation of smegma in a small pouch just inside the urethra. Not all horses accumulate a bean, but IME the majority do, even if they have no visible external smegma. So: the equine urethra is fairly large diameter, and indeed will permit you to very gently insinuate one of your slimmer fingers inside the urethral opening. Do so, and explore upwards for what will feel like a lump or "pea" buried no more than, I dunno, perhaps 3/4" in from the opening. If you do encounter a bean, gently and sympathetically persuade it out with your finger. This may require a little patience from BOTH Mr Hand AND the horse, but the horse will be happier and healthier once it's accomplished. In the rare event that the bean is too enormous for your finger to coax out, you might try what I did (in desperation) last month on the orange horse: Wrap thumb and index finger around the end of the Part and squeeze firmly to extrude the bean. Much to my surprise it worked and orange horse did NOT kill me for doing it and he does not seem to have suffered any permanant damage as a result ;-> I have never in my life seen another bean that enormous, though.

8.) Now all that's left to do is make a graceful exit and rinse the area very thoroughly in apology for the liberties you've taken . A hose will be MUCH easier to use here than just a sponge and bucket, IME. Make sure to direct the water into the Part's inner retreat too, not merely the outer part of the sheath. This may require you to enfold the end of the hose in your hand and guide it up there personally. [Note from Dreaming: I have used the hose when rinsing Doc. He tolerates it for short periods of time. The Vet used dripping wet paper towels.]

9.) Ta-da, you are done! Say, "Good horsie" and feed him lots of carrots. Watch him make funny faces at the way your hands smell. Hmm. Well, perhaps there is ONE more step...

10.) The only thing I know of that is at all effective in removing the lovely fragrance of smegma from your hands (fingernails arms elbows and wherever else it's gotten) is Excalibur. Even then, if you didn't use gloves you may find you've got an unusual personal perfume for a while. So, word to the wise, do NOT clean your horse's sheath just before an important job interview or first date ;-) and of course, there is that one FINAL step...

11.) Figure out how to explain all this to your mother (or the kid from next door, or the meter reader, or whoever else you've just realized has been standing in the barn doorway speechlessly watching the entire process.)

Now, go thou forth and clean that Part :-)

The preceding post is located at: http://www.equusite.com/articles/health/healthSheathCleaning.shtml
Permission to repost this information was requested from both the author and the owner of equusite.com

Pippin's POV: Root Beer Float

Yesterday my Mrs. Owner was talking while she cleaned out my paddock and stall first thing in the morning. She mentioned something about a float, but I was too busy eating my hay to really pay attention to her. She mumbles a lot when she is cleaning up. Anyway, I have heard of floats. They sound really good. They sound better than my dry old hay. Ice cream sounds delicious and I bet the root beer would be tickle-y-itious!

So after breakfast she took me out and I hopped right into the big, noisy box. I was looking forward to the float and ha, ha, ha on Doc, he didn't get to come! We traveled up the bumpy road. We traveled down the turny road. We traveled on the fast road where you can hear all kinds of swishy noises. When we got to the float place I thought to myself, 'Uh, oh, something is really wrong here. There must be some kinda mistake.' Because when my Mrs. Owner helped me get out of the big, noisy box (I don't like backing up...I can't see where to put my feet so my Mrs. Owner has to help me go really slow and careful. She tries to tell me when to step down so I am not surprised), I looked around, expecting to see the float thing, but what I found instead, the thing that made my heart kinda go bong-bong-bong, was that I was at the house of the 'horse doctor guy who smells kinda scary'. I was really kinda mad at my Mrs. Owner because she tricked me. She told me I was going to get a float and I thought she meant ice cream. It turns out she said I was going to have my teeth floated....and believe me, that's not ice cream! It's not a piece of cake, either!

The 'horse doctor guy who smells kinda scary' put me in a a very strong cage. He gave me a shot. What happened after that is kinda fuzzy and swimmy. 

He forced my mouth open and made me rinse. 

 He forced my head up and my brain began to rattle. 

He worked a long time. 

Later my mouth felt like I had been eating hay on the sandy ground. Everything was gritty. 

But, that's not the worse thing. I am so humiliated by what he did next. The 'horse doctor guy who smells kinda scary' isn't a nice man. Do you know what he did? Oooo, this is so awful....he played with my, well, you know what I mean, uh, he played with my....my....wee, willy winky. I won't let anyone touch me there. I won't even let my Mrs. Owner touch me there. I'm very private about things like that. The 'horse doctor guy who smells kinda scary' said, oh, how embarrassing, that my wee, willy winky was kinda stinky. I blush just thinking about it and thinking about having a man fondle me like that. Thank Gawd my Mrs. Owner had to stand at my head to hold me. It would have been even worse to know that she was watching what that 'horse doctor guy who smells kinda scary' was doing.

This was not a good day. It turns out that Doc was the lucky one. When my Mrs. Owner brought me home I wouldn't even look at Doc. I walked into my stall and hung my head in the corner. I was mad and sad. I felt so...violated. This was a no good, very bad, awful, terrible day.